Discernment and Returning to Me

Hello all the peoples,

This is going to come as a surprise to many of you who support me, but I have decided after much prayer and discussion that it is best for me to head back to the States and not continue into the MA program after I finish the Foundational Linguistics courses. I have also decided to no longer pursue becoming a Translation Specialist.

Many things have gone into consideration to get to this decision, but a big portion of it has to do with my mental and physical health. Namely, my junior year, summer internship in 2024, and senior year of university entirely burnt me out. My senior year I took a course on Christian Leadership where we discussed what professional burn out was, and I could easily check off every single characteristic in my life.

I took the gap year after my senior year with the intention of healing my mental state, but many circumstances lead me to further destroying my mental state which accumulated in the hours of the days in Chiang Mai where all I could do was think. My anxiety was running extremely high, and I was having severe panic attacks at least once a day. Once classes started, I had roughly only one panic attack a week, but it has taken me a long time to learn that any number of panic attacks on a regular basis is not healthy. A little bit into the classes, and the daily panic attacks returned.

All of this made it extremely hard to function. I wouldn’t leave my residence except for class and Sunday morning church and the desperate situations, and I would numb myself to my emotions and feelings on Instagram. I was praying everyday, but looking back, I was trying to control every outcome in a desperate attempt to ignore what I needed to admit to myself:

I was not okay. I need to go back to the States. I no longer think I should do in-the-field missions. I no longer want to be a Translation Specialist.

Many of these thoughts have been circulating in my mind for a long time now, but I was so burnt out for the past 2.5 years that I wasn’t able to properly discern them. And by the time you reach your junior year of college and then senior year, it is too terrifying to admit you want to change the goal that lead to every single class and commitment decision. It is even more terrifying when you have made the decision to live halfway across the world, and you reach your destination and realize it was the wrong choice.

Every single time I admit these things to the people in my life (PBT coaches, my linguistic peers, the linguistic department, etc.) I feel a weight lifted off of both my mental and physical health. Not only is this a feeling, but a reality I see in every thought that I have. I am once again feeling the urge to write and come up with ideas for not only my current novel project, but also for other projects. I see recipes online and want to try them and learn how to change them to cater to the needs and wants of the people in my life. Instead of tabling creative projects, I want to do them again and mourn the fact I have a lack of supplies to carry them out in my current situation.

I desire to go outside and explore markets and stores. I started agreeing to go out with friends. We’ve gone to see Supergirl together. We went to a market together. We’ve eaten several dinners together. I have also decided to go out on my own and explore cafes in the area. I even started to feel the urge to play my instruments again, and I reached out to some community bands in the central AR area to see if they had any needs for a flutist or oboist (of course it was for oboe!). I started reading again. I started doing more food-try videos. I started writing poetry again.

While returning back to the States will have its obvious challenges, for now it is the right choice to make. I am not walking away from missions by any means, but for now, I will walk the stateside journey of things. My PBT coaches and I have decided to talk about training decisions and steps forward after I have returned back to the States in August.

As for now, I am taking the advice a few very Godly friends gave me and living in the peace/contentment that this decision has brought me. I am doing the things I will only get the chance to do in Chiang Mai. I am buying the souvenirs and doing the experiences. Since I know that going back to the States will be stressful with job searching and finding an apartment, I am taking the break God has obviously given me this month and just living.

The last thing I will leave you with is the question my peer asked me when I confided in her about making this decision, and my realization. She asked me, “What is God telling you?”, and it made me pause and realize that I have been moving too fast, doing too much, for too long, and that I am not sure I could even hear God’s voice over my own or others’ for a while now. That realization confirmed my decision to return to the States as even though I made a promise to only commit to school and church while in the MA program, simply living in another country stressed me out so much I was already living in a state of burn out by being here.

I look forward to seeing everyone again. I appreciate all the continued support, and if you would like any clarification on my decision, I would be happy to chat with you.

See you on the other side of my lovely grammar homework!

Blessings,
Lydia
30 June 2026